The tech specialist shrugged as he came about on the other side. "How's it looking?" Edwards called as Barnes circled around the truck. Probably new to the job, judging by his anxiety.
"We'll get you through quick, then," he assured the kid, and Miles seemed to visibly relax. Boss is gonna chew me out if I don't get there on time." Edwards laughed as well as he scanned the security pass. That was the risk of bringing anything from a Yellow Zone to a Blue Zone. There could have been fragments of tib-rock sprouting on the vehicle at that very moment, and that would be a disaster waiting to happen. The food was supposed to be processed and sealed, but the nasty green crystal had a tendency to slip into the most unexpected of places, and the truck itself could have caught an airborne strand of the stuff. Private First Class Barnes circled around the side of the truck, carrying a small handheld scanner that was designed to check for Tiberium infestation. Miles Benson, truck driver for Tanner Foods Inc, based out of Knoxville. "In a hurry today?" he asked, still smiling as he read the information. Your actions sequences "flow" well, and breaking them up with bits of imagery would blow chunks, so I suggest that you be more descriptive in scenes like this one. Peptuck, I'd suggest that you take a little longer in these "setup" chapters and try to give your readers a sense of background here. Think of how living outside of that paradise might change people, and how much resentment they must feel each and every day at the people who have lives of (presumed) luxury and ease. Behind that wall lies the closest thing you'll see to Paradise on Earth: lush green forest, a clean modern city, wealth and health and happiness for almost everyone inside.
Now, imagine a troop of soldiers standing in front of a wall. Bits and pieces of what used to be still dot the landscape: here a rotting gas station, there a copse of trees that somehow survived the apocalypse. The land's been blasted like it was under a nuke, and going off-road here is a recipe for disaster.
Imagine, if you will, the devastated wastelands of North Carolina. My biggest complaint with this, though, is that it's got almost no imagery to go with. I like the "surprised that the man hadn't waited" bit, since it effectively foreshadows the events later in the scene without being too obvious about it. Edwards took it, surprised that the man hadn't waited until he'd been asked." / pointlessquibblingīasic intro, not much to see here. Maybe "The driver held out a datapad, which showed his credentials, cargo, and destination. Pointlessquibbling That last sentence needs to be taken outside and shot - or at least divvied up into two bits.
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